Culture Vulture Concert Etiquette 101: Don’t be That Guy

Culture Vulture Concert Etiquette

I know everyone thinks, oh whatever, rock and roll, there are no rules. Yeah, no. There are. At concerts especially. Here are some tips so you’re not the idiot everyone hates. By the way, you’ll know you’re the idiot everyone hates when you decide to crowd surf and they drop you, although you’ll probably be too drunk to care.

  1. Speaking of, don’t be a drunken/stoned idiot. Maybe you don’t give a crap about the opening act but there are people who “paid good money” to hear them and others who “want to get their money’s worth” or are incredibly sober and do not share your stupid dumbass humor. You’re not being funny, you’re being obnoxious, and you’re ruining a music experience for people. They may kill you. If you throw up anywhere, they’ll definitely kill you.
  2. Be considerate of your fellow concert goers. If you’re a giant dude at a gen ad show, be aware of the people around you. Yes, you have every right to be there. But so does the 5’2 pixie girl that was standing there already when you shoved your way to the front because you’re Paul Bunyan. Let her stand in front of you and protect her from the crazy people. When my mom was in college, she had a friend get her nose broken at a Blues Traveler concert. That’s right, Blues Traveler. I mean, we’re talking guys playing harmonicas, not thrashing death metal. And if you’re the short pixie girl? Get there early, because otherwise you’re just going to see a lot of sweaty backs the whole night.
  3. Be quiet. If you know the words, great. Especially when we’re at a huge venue, don’t be louder than the band. I didn’t pay to hear you sing, so shut up. I also don’t want to hear about how much better some other group was when you saw them here, and I really don’t want to hear your theory on how the headliner has sold out and blah blahblah. Or about your personal life. Shut up or go somewhere else. I’ve seen people punched in the back of the head for less, although personally I am partial to deadlegging people.
  4. For the love of crap, put your phone down. Anyone who would be interested enough to read your live tweeting of the concert is—get this—probably AT THE CONCERT WITH YOU. Also, this is not the time to accept a call. If it’s an emergency and you absolutely have to take it, GO AWAY. Also, don’t be that idiot who brings a giant tablet to take pictures/video on. I don’t want to be forced to watch the concert through your stupid viewfinder because you’re blocking my view of the stage.
  5. If you’re going to stagedive, do it right. Don’t pick a bunch of meek little girls to jump on or that guy who has a full drink in his hands. Pick someone who is both paying attention and is willing to support you when you land on them. Unless you dive into the dude holding up his ipad, in which case I say, well played sir, well played.

Basically, just stand there and be cool. Rock out, sing, do whatever, make sure you have the real estate around you to do it.  Just don’t be an idiot and you’ll be fine.